


Yearning

by Heavenly_Bodies



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, schmangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 06:16:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5279933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavenly_Bodies/pseuds/Heavenly_Bodies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forty-six days, thirteen hours, give or take a few minutes- and Jim hadn’t heard a word from Bones and when Jim’s messages weren’t returned after the first two weeks, he realized just how badly he’d fucked up and it terrified him. He couldn’t lose Bones, he wouldn’t, not without a fight and if it meant crawling on his belly and begging, well, he wasn’t above it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yearning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JoJa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoJa/gifts).



> comment fic in response to [this pic set](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com/1205417.html). FYI- [Jim_and_Bones](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com) is a locked comm.
> 
> Alright, so we all know I don’t feel comfortable writing comment fic for my own pics, but when someone *coughjocough* throws such angsty lyrics at me with the tag “So pleas – get them together again….” How the hells am I supposed to react that???

It was the biggest fight they’d ever had, four years of being friends and they’d never fought like they had this time. Just thinking about it made something inside Jim break a little more. Something he’d long ago thought he’d boxed up, bricked up, padlocked, and drowned in cement for good measure. Of course Bones would be the one person in the universe to chip and wind his way through all of that and straight into his heart. The thing of it was, he was the one who’d turned the argument down the path of irrevocable hatred. All Bones had been trying to do was get him to take it easy, stop pushing himself so hard, to stop punishing himself for something he hadn’t had any chance of controlling. Admiral Marcus was the one who tried to enslave a madman, the one who built the Vengence and tried to start a war with the Klingons. It was the ‘punishing’ comment that tripped that part of him. And Jim had gone off.

_“What the Hell do you know about punishment?” Jim had yelled. “What do you know about surviving the unsurvivable while so many innocent people lost their lives?”_

_“Oh, I don’t know, Jim. Just ‘cause I was **there** , on the ship that crippled that damned monstrosity and sent it crashing into downtown San Francisco.”_

_“It’s not the same,” Jim snapped._

_“How is it not the same? I survived the same tragedy,” Bones voice dropped to almost a whisper, “more even.”_

_“Bones! I should be **DEAD**! I **was** dead, just like all those other people, not doing a damn thing other than living their lives- innocent. But here I am, alive and well.”_

_“For God’s sake, Jim, we needed you. I needed you. Don’t even try and belittle that by wallowing in this self-imposed penance. No one blames you for surviving, no one.”_

_“Maybe I do.”_

_“Jim, you can’t mean that.”_

_“I can and I do,” Jim yelled. “And I blame you. You never should’ve brought me back. You had no right!”_

_“I-” Bones looked as if he’d been physically burnt. He clamped his jaw shut and stomped out of Jim’s quarters._

That had been over a month ago- forty-six days, thirteen hours, give or take a few minutes- and Jim hadn’t heard a word from Bones. At first he wasn’t surprised he hadn’t heard from his friend, they were both stubborn men, neither was good at apologies, not that they often needed apologies between them- they just knew. But when Jim’s messages weren’t returned after the first two weeks, he realized just how badly he’d fucked up and it terrified him. He couldn’t lose Bones, he wouldn’t, not without a fight and if it meant crawling on his belly and begging, well, he wasn’t above it. Bones was just that integral to him; he loved him too much, was in too deep, and not at least having Bones’ friendship was unimaginable to him.

Three weeks and four days after their fight, Jim’s door chimed and he just about fell off the sofa in his rush to answer it. The words, “Bones, I’m sor-” were out of his mouth before he registered who was there. It wasn’t Bones. It was a very angry Nyota Uhura, she looked like she could perform micro surgery with the heat and hardness in her eyes.

She brushed past Jim and into his quarters. “I don’t know what you did, but so help me James Kirk if you hurt him half as bad as I think you have I will personally gut you and strangle you with your own intestines and believe me, I’ll have expert help disposing of the body.”

“Hurt who?” he asked, though there was only one person she could be talking about.

“Leonard! Who else? You are the only one who could have made him do this,” Uhura hissed.

The coloured drained from Jim’s face, “Do what?” he demanded.

“This,” she snapped, shoving a PADD at Jim’s chest.

Jim read the file opened on the PADD and felt his legs go weak. He found himself kneeling on the floor, Uhura beside him. She was saying something, but it sounded like he was hearing her underwater- sounds that he knew were words, but reached his ears as no more than random warbling.

“Jim? Jim! Come on, breathe. Deep breaths. In and out,” Uhura soothed. “That’s it.” She was gently rubbing Jim’s back trying to get him to focus on her as he got his breathing under control. “I thought you knew.”

Something flashed in Jim’s eyes- pain, anger, frustration, loss. “You really think I would’ve let him do this? Wouldn’t have found a way to stop him?”

Uhura sighed. “No, of course not. Not really. But I do know that whatever the reason, he did this because of you.” She rubbed Jim’s arm gently. “You’re the only one who has that kind of power over him.”

Jim scrubbed his hands over his face. “We had a fight. A bad one. I haven’t heard from him in over three weeks. I was hoping you were him.”

“Oh, Jim,” she comforted, rubbing Jim’s back once more. “It’s only a temporary assignment. He’ll be home before you know it.”

Jim let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. “I’m not sure he thinks this is home anymore.”

“Jim, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that Leonard McCoy’s home is wherever you are,” she emphatically corrected.

“I crossed a line,” Jim admitted. “I wouldn’t blame him for leaving me.”

“James Kirk, understand this, the only thing that would get that man to leave you is death and even that he’s beaten to keep you with him.”

A bark of near to wild laughter cut the air. “That’s what we were fighting about.”

\---------

The chime of his room’s vidlink was persistent, but Leonard still wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, especially anyone from _Enterprise_ , so he ignored it. 

Another cycle of ringing and the screen snapped to life. “Leonard Horatio McCoy, what exactly do you think you’re doing?”

Leonard sighed. He knew it was only a matter of time until someone got through. He counted himself lucky it was Uhura. “Hi, Nyota, what can I do for you?”

“You can start by answering your comms and not making me have to take a page out of the Jim Kirk handbook to hack into your system.”

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Leonard tried to come up with any of the things he’d planned to say when whomever it was from the crew got in contact with him, but for the life of him couldn’t remember a single one.

“Leonard, are you okay?”

Shaking his head, he huffed, “I don’t know anymore.”

“Jim told me what happened. Not everything, but enough. He doesn’t believe your coming back. He said he’d deserve it if you didn’t.”

Leonard cringed, he was afraid of that. He was constantly kicking himself for so rashly accepting the temporary posting, no matter how much Starfleet Medical had pushed and pleaded. Jim was more important, damn-it; the kid had abandonment issues to spare and negligible self-worth, what the Hell had he been thinking leaving him. Not just leaving, but leaving the way he did. “How is he?”

“He’s Jim Kirk, all smiles and charm and bravado. He’s a mess.” She watched Leonard for a moment from the view screen. “He needs you, Leonard.”

Sinking back into his chair, Leonard rubbed at his forehead. He’d spent the last weeks doing nothing but thinking about Jim and their fight. Maybe Jim was right and he had no right to pull Jim back, maybe it was pure selfishness, but he could never regret it. The idea of a world without Jim wasn’t worth living in, and not just because he was hopelessly in love with the asshole. Jim had pulled him from the brink of darkness, brought him into the light and showed him what there was to live for and he wasn’t giving up on him. “Not half as much as I need him,” he whispered.

“Leonard,” Uhura spoke kindly, “you are coming home?”

“Wild horses couldn’t keep me away, Nyota,” he looked into the warm eyes on the view screen giving her a watery smile, “just take care of him until I get back. Please?”

She smiled softly. “Don’t I always.”

Leonard chuckled at that. “Yeah, you do. Tell Jim I’ll be home soon.”

“I’ll take care of it. See you soon.” 

Uhura ended the link and Leonard sighed. Time to call in a few favours- the nice thing about saving the world twice over, people always wanted to get into your good graces.

\---------

The view from the patio was spectacular. Rocky mountainsides and blue-grey waters spread out in a breathtaking panorama. Part of Jim resented being side-lined by Medical- medically necessary downtime or some such nonsense. He knew Uhura was behind it, but he couldn’t be upset with her, especially when she was right. And this house was wonderful. Uhura and Spock had invited, more like threatened, him to come stay with them up in the Siskiyou Mountains for a few weeks, though it seemed he was spending more time there than they did. Jim had been hesitant, not just because he felt like he was turning his back on obligations, but because none of them had any real privacy on board a starship, and being command staff meant that either Uhura or Spock could be called to duty at any moment. But they had insisted. Spock pointing out that the house was large enough for the entire bridge crew to stay comfortably and with just the three of them they could conceivably not cross paths. Jim diplomatically didn’t ask why they had such a large place at their disposal- it wasn’t exactly as if they were Earthside that often, then again, they were grounded for at least a year while the Enterprise was being practically rebuilt.

Of all the things Jim could be doing, he spent most of his time either hiking through the trails and paths that littered the area, or out on the large patio with its majestic view and the freedom to think. Actually, he’d done nothing but think since his fight with Bones. He’d always known, since that fateful shuttle ride, that Bones would be by his side in everything. It was something bone deep that he couldn’t explain. It was just another fact of the universe, like the rotation of the Earth, or the constants of binary stars. But this thing, this fight, this absence of Bones was pulling everything into a fine pinpoint mass the kind that brushed away all the posturing, the masks, the fear, and hesitation until all that was left was a clear, unobstructed view of what truly mattered, what had always mattered- Bones. Jim supposed he should be surprised. He wasn’t the kind who ever thought he’d fall in love- he certainly doubted he’d ever be loved- but the fact that it was Bones just fit. He could almost believe Bones might love him the same way. If anyone ever would, Jim knew it would be Bones. Now if Bones would just come home so he could tell him.

It was getting late, the sun had set in a kaleidoscope of colours bouncing off the water and the rock faces. Jim waited for the first of the night’s stars to come out, happy to mentally trace their paths, recalling names, light years, and neighbours. Soon he’d be back up there where he belonged. Sighing, Jim unfolded himself from his perch on the patio and stretched, before heading inside to seek out something to eat, but first he wanted to take advantage of a warm, real water shower. 

The sluice of water down his back and over his body did wonders for Jim’s mood, he felt lighter, almost hopeful. He had a plan, albeit a rough one, but Bones would be back in a few weeks and he was bound and determined they were going to talk. Jim had a lot to apologize for and more to explain. Jim was halfway down the stairs, towelling off his wet hair, intent on settling the growling in his stomach, when he stopped short. Someone was in the house, not unheard of, but Spock and Nyota were in back in San Francisco for the week and no one else was expected. Easing down the steps as quietly as possible, he tried to focus on what had caught his attention- a soft rustling coming from the patio den. As he crept closer the rustling became clearer… but more confusing. It sounded like someone was sleeping uneasily. Who broke into a house in the middle of nowhere to sleep on the sofa, when there were rooms of perfectly good beds? He should probably be worried that he was more concerned with the intruder’s motivations than the intruder himself. Bones would probably say it was his reckless nature or an inferiority complex or, if Bones was being bitingly honest, he’d lay it down to Jim’s lack of self-worth. Jim would say it was the build-up of too many close calls and too many missions gone wrong. Whatever the reason, Jim made his way into the den, alert for signs of more people in the house. 

Jim was seconds away from making his move, when the figure on the sofa made a soft muzzly sound, one that Jim instantly recognized. His shoulders slumped the tension draining instantly from his body. Moving silently, Jim rounded the end of the sofa and knelt down by the sleeping man. Bones. His Bones was sound asleep. Despite the haggard blotches under his eyes, the dishevelled hair, and tiny drop of spittle at the corner of his mouth, Bones looked like absolute heaven in Jim’s eyes. “Bones,” he whispered reverently, brushing the dark hair from his eyes. Hunger forgotten, Jim sat on the floor, resting his head next to Bones’ hand, and drifted off to sleep.

\---------

The feel of soft damp hair greeted Bones when he woke from his much needed nap, a smile crested his lips as he pet the short blond hair under his hand. Jim. It was ridiculous how calming Jim’s presence was, one wouldn’t think someone with as much frenetic energy as Jim should create such a calmness in him. Bones rolled onto his side as best he could without dislodging his sleeping friend. He simply watched Jim for a while, carding his hand gently through his hair and simply soaking the man up. It felt like it had been years and not just a few weeks since he’d seen him and it hurt so much knowing what he’d put Jim through, them both through. But he was here now and once Jim was awake they were going to talk, really talk. Until then he was content to let Jim sleep under his watchful eye. 

It wasn’t long before Jim stirred, nuzzling against the couch like a sleepy puppy; Bones’ smile widen affectionately at the image. “Hey, Jim,” he said quietly, still running his fingers through Jim’s hair as if it was the most important thing in the world.

Jim’s eyes lit up when he saw Bones looking at him. “I’m sorry,” he said the words that had been on the tip of his tongue for almost two months. “I never should’ve said that.”

“Jim, shush. I get it,” Bones said as he sat up, pulling Jim onto the sofa beside him. “But you gotta understand I will never regret saving you, and I will _always_ do whatever it takes to keep you alive.” His hand smoothed along Jim’s cheek. “I never shoulda left like that, even if you were being a colossal ass. You deserved better. You’re everything to me, don’t you get that?”

Shaking his head, “No,” he answered simply.

“Jim… you are infuriating, occasionally insufferably, and you’re gonna give me a coronary ‘fore I hit forty, but don’t ever doubt you are worth every grey hair you’re gonna give me.”

“You sure you want that?” Jim asked hesitantly, knowing deep down they were talking about more than Bones merely patching Jim up time and time again.

Bones arched an incredulous eyebrow at him. “You sure you wanna put up with my cantankerous ass?”

“I love your cantankerous ass,” Jim found Bones’ other hand and laced their fingers together, “of course I want that.”

The hand on Jim’s cheek slipped around to grip his neck and shook him lightly. “No more telling me you aren’t worth it or that you don’t deserve me doing everything in my power to keep you with me. ‘cause like it or not that’s what ‘m always gonna do.”

Jim knew he should argue, knew that at some point- probably a lot of some points- he would. But he also knew Bones would fight him tooth and nail every time. The truth was right here, right now, Jim wanted nothing more than to let Bones have his way, to let himself believe just for a little while that he was worth it.

“Stop that.” Bones chided. “I know you’re thinking ‘bout arguing with me, but just stop that right now.” He used the hand at Jim’s neck to pull him closer, brushing his lips lightly across Jim’s. “I love you and I need you in my world. Simple as that.”

“Yeah, simple…” Jim murmured, looking into Bones’ eyes, knowing he meant every word.

“Come on, you’re gettin’ maudlin,” Bones said, tugging Jim up off the sofa with him. “Let’s find something to eat and go to bed. Three days in a shuttle got me beat.”

That incredibly typical Bonesian comment seemed to set Jim’s world back to rights and he smiled the first smile that hadn’t felt false or forced in weeks, pulling a more than willing Bones to him and giving him a proper, emotion laden kiss, before dragging him off towards the kitchen.


End file.
